EP59 Your Partner: Do They Know The Real You?

As lovably Type A, control-freaky, perfectionists, we know a thing or two about putting on our “game-face” as we live this journey. However, we can get so good at it that we end up hiding what’s REAL for us—particularly with the person we are supposed to be closest to. Learn a universal truth that will be like miracle-grow for your relationship, at a time when you need it most!

Transcript:
Hey, gorgeous. If you want success on your fertility journey, you’ve got to have the mindset for it. It’s time to kick fear, negativity, doubt, shame, jealousy, and the whole clown car of low vibe fertility journey BS to the curb. I’m your host, Roseanne Austin, Fertility Mindset Master. Former prosecutor and recovering type A control freak perfectionist, I use the power of mindset to get pregnant naturally and have my baby boy at 43, despite years of fertility treatment failure.

I help women across the globe beat the odds on their fertility journey just like I did. Get ready for a quick hit of confidence, joy, feminine, bad assery, and loads of hell. Yes. For your fertility journey, it’s time to get fearless, baby fearlessly fertile. Let’s do this. Welcome to the Fearlessly Fertile Podcast, episode 59.

Your partner, do they know the real you? Hey loves, I hope this podcast finds you and yours healthy and safe. With all of us cooped up in our houses for weeks now, chances are it’s probably been a long time since you’ve spent this much time with your partner in such close proximity. Seriously, most of us only spend this number of hours with our partner on vacay.

And that’s likely cushioned with a cocktail and exciting new surroundings to keep us from getting under each other’s skin. When we’re at home, we don’t have that exact dreamy, gauzy goodness to put a rosy tint on our intimate relationship. Now, that’s not to say it sucks to be around your partner this much.

Personally, I fucking love it. I gobble up the time with my husband on his days off like Nutella on sourdough toast. Part of the reason for that is he knows the real me. One of the biggest lessons we learned on our journey was to put our cards on the table. We are both straight shooters who have little patience for bullshit.

But in the early days of our relationship and this journey, we were so discombobulated by what it was throwing at us that our fear had us in massive avoidance. When it came to our relationship and the big issues we faced, it was like we were tangling through a minefield. I was so afraid of what he might be thinking about me, our prospects, and where our relationship would be at the end of all of this.

I also didn’t want to show him I was afraid. I didn’t want to burden him with my fear. I was also so used to being in my masculine that frankly, I didn’t really know how to be vulnerable around him, without being utterly disgusted by what I perceived as my own weakness. I didn’t really know how to access that part of me.

I was way too busy trying to get pregnant like a man, and if this shit’s resonating with you, check out episode 23, where I talk about this syndrome that tends to plague those of us that are lovably type A control freaky high achievers on this journey. Don’t miss it. It’s life changing shit, and it’s the kind of thing that doesn’t get talked about enough.

The point is, I wasn’t giving my husband a chance to see the real me. The real, real me. Most of us are scared shitless about this. It doesn’t matter whether or not you have a great relationship, or if your shit is falling apart. We tend to pick and choose what our partner gets to see about our truth. But in the end, the whole truth is, They’re gonna find out.

I have had thousands of conversations with women on this journey. I have heard some shit that even my years as a prosecutor didn’t prepare me for. The pretzels we twist ourselves into on this journey are mind blowing. We play three dimensional chess in our relationships like mofos. We try and do our partner’s math and try to protect them from the truth of who we really are.

We play out scenarios in our head with 15 different endings trying to navigate around them. We tend to silence ourselves as if what we want or what we are asking for in this life is foolhardy nonsense. It’s truly heartbreaking. We do this to ourselves. We do this to ourselves. Afraid of what our partner will think, how they might react, and what they might do, we hide the truth.

Look, I did it too, which is why I know it’s toxic and I’m calling it out the way I am. And if your relationship has any real chance long term, you gotta stop this shit. As women in the year 2020, we set the tone and pace in our relationships. It’s not fucking 1950. It is also our responsibility to see that our needs get met.

We train people how to treat us, and if you aren’t getting what you need from your partner, it is in part, in part, because you haven’t been clear about your needs and the priority of them. Now, that may be getting under some people’s skin, but it is true. As grown ass women, we are consistently choosing on a daily basis how we show up in our relationships.

It does us, and our partner, a disservice to expect them to be a mind reader. What we think is, quote unquote, protecting them, or keeping the peace, is robbing our partner of the chance to really be our partner. It’s also selling them short. Don’t do their math for them. Don’t treat them like they can’t handle whatever you’re facing.

Let them decide. You’re a grown up. They’re a grown up. Let them have a chance to step up. Remember, you are their partner, not their mom. Now if that doesn’t get to you, check this out. Not letting your partner see the real you is fucking deceptive and disingenuous. Why con someone into thinking you’re someone you aren’t?

It’s exhausting to hide who we are. And when we cut the mental gymnastics, we can act with integrity to ourselves and our relationships. This shit is eventually going to come out, doll. Let it out. Give yourself a chance to evolve together rather than trying to bridge the distance when it’s too far apart.

Give yourself a chance to evolve on this journey together rather than trying to bridge the distance when it’s too far apart. Have a discussion. Not interruption. So here’s what that might look like. And let’s be clear about something right now. I am not a couples therapist, not even close, nor do I play one on TV.

I am a woman speaking from personal experience who lived a very long journey, making a shit ton of mistakes along the way, and emerged from that shit show with a miracle baby at 43, still married to my soulmate. I am offering you a common sense take that’s based on a universal truth. They’re gonna find out eventually.

They’re gonna figure out who you really are. So here’s what showing them who you are. Might sound like babe because I love you and I love our relationship. Here’s what you got to know about me I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have this baby. Natural, IUI, IVF, boiling black chickens, whatever. Being a mom is my dream.

And I’m not giving up for shit. It may also sound like, Babe, because I love you and our relationship, here’s what you need to know about me. When it comes to money on this journey, it’s an investment in doing what I was put on this earth to do. I trust me, and I expect you to trust and support me when it comes to money.

And I will support and trust you in the same way. It could also sound like, Hey babe, having quiet time with you that doesn’t involve video games, TV or other distractions is super important to me. I want more of that. It could also be, Hey babe, approaching this journey with fear and negativity is doing nothing for us.

I am committed to changing the way that I think about this. Having your support in that change is super important to me. Or you could say, Hey babe, I’m watching my diet, taking supplements, and getting loads of treatments. It’s important to me that you too are committed to your health in this process. I’d love to see you make an effort in this area as well.

And I especially love this one. How about this? Hey babe, because I love you and our relationship, here’s what you gotta know about me. I’m carrying a little extra weight from all these treatments. It feels really good when you tell me I am still beautiful. You might also, and this is something I, I came to my husband about like, I gosh, I don’t know where we were in our journey, but it was super important.

And I was super nervous about it, but I said, babe, because I love you and our relationship. Here’s what you got to know about me. Spirituality is important to me. I’m going to be making it more of a focus in my life. And that was definitely something that, wow, it just really changed things for us because I was super nervous.

My husband was a little skeptical of spirituality, but really coming out as someone spiritual to him. Like that was a huge breakthrough in our relationship and it gave me a shit ton of freedom. Or, you know, maybe the last example I’ll give you is, Hey babe, because I love you and our relationship, here’s what you got to know about me.

I intend to live a big life. I want to do and learn new things. I would love your support with that. Remember, love, these are just examples. When you hear all of this, there may be saboteurs within you saying, Whoa, Roseanne, that sounds like a bunch of ultimatums. Nope, they aren’t. You’re simply giving your partner a chance to see who you are.

Might some of this make them a little uncomfortable? Maybe, but that’s on them. Their interpretation of what you have to say is their responsibility as a fucking grown up. When you come to them speaking the truth, you have no control over what they will choose to do with that truth. And if your truth drives them away, sister, they were going away anyway, because they will find out eventually.

Don’t let your saboteurs rob you of the chance for your partner to really see you. And think about this, what if they love this truth? What if they fucking love your truth? What if they say, wow, babe, I had no idea that’s how you felt. I love you, baby. I got you. I’m so glad to know what’s important to you.

You can count on me 100 percent all day, every day. You know, because that’s just as possible. Your saboteur’s gonna be like, Oh my god, you know, my husband or my wife or whatever, you know, they’re gonna think I’ve joined a cult, this pink and blue haired woman is spouting off all this shit, you know, they’re not gonna know what to do with this.

You’ve got to remember that maybe they’ve quietly been wringing their hands trying to figure out how they can be there for you, right? And by you coming clean about what’s true for you and letting them see the real you, Things could be so different. And remember, it is incredibly disrespectful to count them out or refuse to give them a chance to meet your needs.

Give them a shot! The freedom that comes from letting the people who love you see the real you is indescribable and powerful medicine. Why do you think that I pop off in the way that I do here? There would be no point in me pretending to be something I’m not. I speak straight from the heart. I’m letting you see the real me all the fucked up mess and and sailor talk and all this other stuff.

I’m modeling to you right now what it means and what it can look like to let people see the real you. It is powerful medicine. So here’s an exercise to take this to the next level. Does your partner know the real you? Answer the question. I mean, really answer it. It’s a yes or no question. Don’t waste your time with subtlety here.

That’s only going to distract you from a truth that quite badly needs to be spoken. Yes or no. Yes or no. Keep in mind that we are always evolving. You may have started your journey off one way and are now headed in another direction. Does your partner know the real you of today? Yes or no? Fuck maybe.

That’s a time waster. You’re just going to spin yes or no. Two, what do you want them to know? This question will take a little more time and thought, but shit, you’ve probably never had more time on your hands. So use it wisely. I invite you to consider this question from the perspective of, Shit, this is gonna come out eventually, one way or another, so I might as well get clear about it now.

I don’t care how good your internal Bruce Wayne is about hiding Batman. Those worlds will collide, and it’s better to be in front of it than have its tire tracks on your back. Besides, isn’t that what we do as grown ass women of integrity? We tell the truth. We treat our partner like a fucking adult with a brain, not like a child.

Nor do we treat them like a parent. They are neither. You are grown. They are grown. Both of you are adults who are ultimately responsible for your own well being. Anything less is immature, codependent, destructive nonsense. What do you want them to know? What is it high time that they see? And third, text the link to this podcast episode to someone who you think might benefit from it.

Screenshot this episode and put it in your Facebook or Insta story tagging me. Love, I know this question can pose some interesting additional questions, maybe even some fear. And there’s never been a more important time to speak life to truth. That includes your truth. When you wear a mask, how will your baby ever find you?

Stand up for the woman you choose to be. My fearlessly fertile method program is for women who intend to get pregnant in the next 12 months and say hell yes to covering their bases, mind and body. Use this time of social distancing to your advantage and let it be a point when you made the pivot that made all the difference in the world on your fertility journey.

And look, I work with women who make decisions. Decisions, not excuses. I will be taking only a finite number of women under my wing this year. So if you want that to be you, apply for your interview for this program. Go to my website, www.FromMaybeToBaby.com and apply for time with me there. My methodology is to help women around the world make their mom dreams come true.

And as of this recording, four in the last couple weeks. It’s totally insane, bonkers, baby making. If you don’t have a mindset for success on this journey, baby, you got a gaping hole in your strategy. Let’s fix that shit love and set you up for success till next time. Change your mindset, change your results.

Love this episode of the fearlessly fertile podcast. Subscribe now and leave an awesome review. Remember the desire in your heart, to be a mom is there because it was meant for you when it comes to your dreams. Keep saying hell. Yes.

Rosanne offers a variety of programs to help you on your fertility journey — from Self-study, to Live, to Private Coaching.